My Mental Health Journey

Today’s blog post is going to be something a little bit different. It’s going to be raw and have no sense of plan to it. It’s purely from the heart. For those of you who don’t know, I suffer with my mental health and I have done since I was about 14. I suffer with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression, and I was diagnosed with these when I turned 18. I want to share my mental health journey with you all. I want to share when I realised I was suffering, when I got diagnosed, the treatment I’ve had/currently got, and how I’m feeling right now.

I think it is really important to be honest and open about your mental health. I feel like if more people speak up, providing it is safe for them to do so, it could help with decreasing the stigma. If the stigma of mental health is decreased, it means that more people may be able to get the help that they need. It means that more awareness is made, and more can be done to help people.

My name is Beth and this is my mental health journey.

When I was 14, I was confused. I had this sense of dread every time I started the day but I couldn’t tell anyone why. Not because I was trying to hide something, but because I didn’t know myself. How could you have a pit in the bottom of your stomach and not know why? How could you begin to shake and not know why? How could you feel so low that you didn’t want to get out of bed and not know why? My mind was full of these questions and I didn’t have the answer.

These symptoms continued for the next three years. I went to my GP for the first time aged 17 and explained what was happening. I told them how I was feeling low, how I had no energy most of the time, how I had no pleasure in doing things anymore. I told them how I would spend days in my room worrying about things beyond my control, how I would worry about my Mum and her health to the point where I wouldn’t leave her (more on that later.)

They said they couldn’t help me at that time. Why? Because I was too old for the child mental health services and too young for the adult mental health services. Great.

So I was on my own again. It had taken me ages to pluck up the courage to finally go to the GP for help and that felt like a smack in my face. What was I supposed to do? Sorry brain, would you mind not making me mentally ill for a year until I turned 18? Thanks.

I mentioned before about my Mum and her health and how I worried about her a lot. Without going into too much detail, she had a brain operation when I was two years old. She still suffers despite the operation and this has stuck with me. I worry about leaving her in case something happens. This is something that has improved for me over time, but it definitely hasn’t gone away. She’s my Mum at the end of the day.

Once I turned 18, I went back up the doctors and was finally given some anti-depressants. I was also put on the waiting list for CBT. I honestly didn’t know how long I would be waiting. Months? Years? In the end, it was 6 months.

So how did CBT go for me? At the time, it worked really well for me. I learned lots of techniques to help me cope with the anxiety I felt. Unfortunately, that was 5 years ago and I don’t remember much now. It’s a shame as it did help but I just can’t remember anything.

As for anti-depressants, I was originally on Citalopram which worked well for a year or so. However, one of the big side effects I got from that anti-depressant was heart palpitations. I switched to Sertraline and I’ve been on that ever since. It’s worked okay for me but I do feel it leaves me feeling like a floating head sometimes.

So, how am I feeling now? Honestly, I’m okay. I have good days and bad days. I feel like my anxiety has improved a lot over the years. I still suffer with panic attacks but not as frequently as I used to. The anxiety is still there but the symptoms aren’t as severe.

As for my depression, that’s still more or less the same but I think it is slightly more stable now. I have days that are really bad for me but then I also have days where feel okay and fine. It’s just one of those things, I guess.

So yeah, I’m doing okay. I think this post is important to share as I want people to realise it is okay to be honest about how you are feeling.

Thank you for reading this post. It really means a lot to me.

Beth